Let me relate a little something of import –
I ain’t preaching or anything of that sort –
But giving a nod to an issue that all should understand;
To think it started due to the rawness of my hand
(Cuz I was stroking something like it was the neck of Dee Dee Ramones’ guitar)
And the decision to let it cool down by heading off to the bar.
I called for a double as I half sat on a stool
(It wasn’t just my hand sore so was my most valued tool)
And started downing drinks double by two.
After a while a chick in a group clucking in the corner started to raise quite the what to do;
The chick’s eyes were all puffy
(from the sound of her drawl of her voice her nose obviously was stuffy),
Half from the boxes of wine that she drank by the pound
In attempting to have an issue she didn’t want drowned
And half from her “oh poor me” wail she sputtered with anti-glee,
“Nobody loves me! Everybody hates me!”
Of which she began to recite over and over so loud,
Metallica would not have been able to play over her to a crowd.
How did she go on and on without cease!
I knew I had to do something in order to drink in peace.
As she sort of stumbled with an awkward sway on by
My mind raced for a solution to try.
Her body my eyes quickly scanned
And spotted that she wore a fairly new looking wedding band.
I called out to her (hoping that my voice didn’t sound too resigned)
“I’d say obviously somebody about you is love struck blind”
The chick haltered her reeling pace at me and spat,
“What the hell makes you say that?”
“Upon your finger you have a ring,
Which means someone’s willing to publically admit to banging your thing.”
She gave a weak sniffle
(Which with the stuffed state of her nose made it more sound like a whiffle)
“I suppose you’d be sorta kinda right,
But I’ve been here all day because this morning we got into a fight!”
The chick plunked herself heavily on the stool to my beside,
I really didn’t want her gloom about me so to her I lied;
“Look, you don’t know me but I want you to know that I care –
GO HOME…and talk it out, perhaps of your pain he is unaware.”
But wouldn’t it just be my luck?
She shook her head and at the moment about him she couldn’t give a flying fuck.
I suggested that she should just walk out that door and take a nice long walk
To sort things out and GO HOME just to make him listen while she would talk.
But once again she did not,
She didn’t move from that spot.
At least for a few minutes it was nice and quiet;
I thought maybe she was considering my shtick and was going to buy it.
But fate is sometimes cruel;
She turned to me as she sucked back in some of her drool –
Gone was the expression of sadness that had haunted her face
And a hungered leer did she with it replace.
I couldn’t help but to think, “What a wreck”
As she flopped her arm loosely across my neck.
Through the blood shot my visage she attempted to inspect
While her intent I tried to detect.
Through a low liquid lisp she cooed in my ear, “You’re so sweet
And for that I’m going to give you a…nice…little…treat.”
There was no need for the chick to draw me a map,
I knew what was happening as her head moved into my lap –
Which was confirmed from the sound of her choking on something big in my loin
And the warmth I felt that spread across my groin.
I put my hand upon her head and got a good hold
Then pulled her face out of her stomach contents onto my lap she just doled.
I thought to myself( as I dropped her to the floor
And walked straight out the barroom door
Trying to ignore my crotch’s reek)
I guess I ain’t that much of a freak
Because some chick blowing chunks instead of my meat
Ain’t something that makes me squirm in my seat.
Did you catch the lesson from this that I did discern?
Are you asking yourself what did this twit learn?
It don’t need to be a roll of the dice,
Take this here healthy living advice
From this gastronomically inclined kind of dude:
Save yourself some pain and chew well your food,
Not only does it assist in easing its digestion
But smoother does it rise in those cases where it tries for resurrection.