I meant to think a thought on food and drink

On Friday I meant to think a thought on food and drink,
But alas, just as what happens to a man when it gets cold
What was meant to be grandiose and impressive did thus shrink –
An ode of such magnitude was it to be on such a succulent treat,
To laud the sight, aroma and textures associated with the Chilli Cheese Dog-
The magnificent and regal mastication event that cannot be beat

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t going to make me sound as if I was a connoisseur
Of a dish made with the leaf of some plant that blooms once every twenty years
Just off the second right side pond on the south east side of Kuala Lumpur
-But I’m not one of those high falutin’ foo foos ;
I ain’t a millionaire
So I am limited in what my appetite can choose
I spent the most of my adult life on the road eating at greasy spoons,
Irritating the locals for pleading for all that’s hole-y (I tended to hit on waitresses)
To change the channel on the telly from farm report to cartoons-

Oh I had ideas that were of fanciful and smart,
For an epiphany had struck and illuminated my mind with verse
But it all went to hell in a hand basket because of that bloody shopping cart

I have to admit that shopping after work, on a Friday, is not very deft,
The place was packed with everyone just wanting to get out and go home
Just as I did but I ended up with a shopping cart with a broken wheel that only went left.
I figured out how to use the cart by putting all my weight
To the right on the handle then forced more than pushed
So I should have known what would occur with a cart in such a state.

I had done good up to this point in getting what I needed
Until I put into that screwy cart a ten kilogram box of kitty litter
And fate put coming down the aisle behind me and the bloom of disaster was seeded.

I should have put the box onto the right side cart
But giddy with my chore so close to being over the box was more to the left
And despite my weight, like Moses and the Dead Sea, to that direction did swing the basket part.
So frail was the woman I had to wonder if someone had given her a push
And from that point on it was that inertia that kept her moving along the aisle
But with the change in velocity caused her to fall as the end of my cart met her tush –
Now normally I would be rather proud to say that because of me a woman downed
And maybe if I had been ninety two it would have been sexy for her to bend like that –
Save for the loud breaking of hip bone sound

With much apology I did attempt to give her some aid
But she got up to fast did she try to get up
so to my fingertips her eyes became inlaid
With more profuse did I iterate my sorry-ness for the situation,
This time staying well straight to offer my hand
Which she did take after a moment’s hesitation
But my work boot lace was untied so did I trip,
Knocking the old woman back to the floor,
Her head going into the juice boxes (you know, the ones with the straw that through you sip)

For the love of pete I am not in the habit of engaging in the act of caddin’
But from the looks the crowd that had gathered around me and the splayed old woman,
You would have sworn I was the love child of Steven Harper and Osama Bin Laden
Branded a menace to society
I had to wait and wait for the police to arrive
(I hoped they would come quick because I really had to pee)
As the police looked at me with disgust and lectured on being nice to grannies,
The old woman who was not pleased that I was just being given a talk
Hiked up her dress to show the officer the new addition to her nook and crannies!

The officers seemed memorized by the wrinkled sagging rump,
Like a deer in the headlights did they stare
To the point where they forgot to breathe and soon fell unconscious to the floor with a thump

Well, what would you do in such a circumstance?
Wait for the officers to revive and possibly face more verbal harrague?
Hell no, I dashed out that aisle at the very first chance.

With the crisis past
I slunk from the store out to the parking lot sans concrete muse
But at peace that the ordeal was over at last
On Friday I meant to think a thought on food and drink,
But instead ended up going to the liquor store and getting two bottles of scotch
And spent the night dancing with elephants the most delightful hue of pink

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16 thoughts on “I meant to think a thought on food and drink

    1. Thanks! I did mean to do an ode to the mighty chilli dog, but when things go wrong for me, they tend to spiral out of control. I did take some artistic license – while I did accidentally nudge some poor woman, there were no police or eye ball gouging. I did however, manage to knock down a cereal display that then proceeded to crash into a shelf containing pickle jars which then made the aisle have a distinctively briny aroma as they crashed to the floor. I thought the old woman angle had a more humanizing element to the story!

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